


Those aren't meant to bend. (and the hopeful consequences of doing so nonetheless.)

by sleepy_fl0wers



Series: In which we grow, together. [2]
Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Angst with a Hopeful Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, I hate myself, I i love gon and it shows so much, I promise im a serious writer, Light Angst, Mito freecs is Gon's mom change my mind, She's Amazing, and the wonders of your loved ones helping you to do so :), i adore her, i am once again offering you a fic i wrote at 6 am, if you need help dealing with the pain separation leaves in your chest read this :), learning to deal with the pain of people leaving, people need to stop saying he's a monster it makes me cry, post-separation, this is the second time im tagging my dumbass accidentally refreshed the page im so angy, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-09
Updated: 2020-10-09
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:16:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26917978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepy_fl0wers/pseuds/sleepy_fl0wers
Summary: He's taken aback by that, he thinks. The air is knocked out of him, because he really does push people away, thinking that he'll protect them from himself, from his sadness and from the deep, melancholic fog that clouds him.So seconds pass of silence that lingers, and he dares speak again. He dares, change his past mistakes."I miss him, Aunt Mito. So much." He confesses as his eyes look downwards.It's a whisper, something that feels wrong to say, wrong to feel. It feels wrong, for Gon to hurt this deeply, to feel this shattered, and he feels judged. He judges himself, he realizes.But he says it nonetheless, and feels lighter right after. Softer, like he floats.to, by and about people leaving, and the healing that comes with said pain :)
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs & Mito Freecs, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Series: In which we grow, together. [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1963945
Comments: 22
Kudos: 58





	Those aren't meant to bend. (and the hopeful consequences of doing so nonetheless.)

**Author's Note:**

> i am once again offering you a fic i wrote at 6 am drunk off of sleep depravation lol.  
> title is from Oh Klahoma by Jack Stauber (with an added phrase by me, quite self-indulgent, and it just felt adequate :)
> 
> this fic is actually really dear to me.   
> ive had my own fair share of separations from friends and family, all of them which have burned me, but none of them as strongly as one in particular, that took me a long time to heal from. This is the reason why i always look so much into the way Gon and Killua must have felt after parting from one another, to heal, and learn, and grow.
> 
> My mom helped me a lot with the pain at that time, she was crucial for me, like a life line when i felt like i was drowning (in indescribable emptiness hehe), and i feel like Mito would be that for Gon. That beacon of hope, that person that by believing in you, helps you believe in yourself, and find the strenght to get up from the ground, and wipe the tears from your face.
> 
> If youve read this gigantic paragraph, i thank you, not only for doing so, but for clicking in this little piece of my soul i decided to share, to try and help somebody that may feel as lost as i did at that time. if anyone ever would like to talk, shoot me a [dm](https://www.instagram.com/strawberrypandy/) ! :)
> 
> i hope you enjoy reading this as much as i enjoyed writing, thank you, from the bottom of my heart, and thank you to my partner in crime and best friend Red, for betaing this for me.  
>  i love you, and the thoughts inside your head paperclip, youre my soul bro (sorry im feeling so soft and mushy, woah :0) <3

Silence is all Gon's brain can register as he stands in the room. _Alone._

He feels empty. Emptier than he should, he thinks for a moment. Emptier than he thought he would feel. Emptier than he thought was possible for anyone to ever feel. 

Because you see, there's a difference between making decisions with anger filling your lungs and pumping through your veins, mending with your blood and messing with the control you hold over yourself and your actions, making you forget the consequences the decisions you make may have.

There's a difference between making decisions with a hot head and making decisions with rational thinking, laying all your options and actions on the table with brutal honesty, and having in mind what you’re willing to lose or gain, to sacrifice.  
And Aunt Mito had always warned him about it, but how was G0n supposed to think straight, with his mind swimming, far away from his reach, lonely and drowning in all and nothing at all at the same time? How was he meant to pay attention to the distant voices, trying to pull him to the surface while he tried his earnest to keep himself beneath the water?

He’s headed straight for the floor now. Straight for the dark, emptiness he didn't know he used to feel in his chest, before _him. Before Killua._

It seems odd now, unnatural in the utmost of ways, to think of a time before Killua, a time before he lived and breathed for him, before he gazed into his eyes and saw _light_ , but maybe that's why he needs it. Why they both do.

He knows it, of course, he does. Gon is not stupid, no matter how much many people he's met over the time he's been away from Whale Island, and even before that, may beg to differ. 

He knows why they're taking time from each other, and he knows why it's necessary, more than it's been before. Because it hurts, it hurts so much Gon feels like Killua is physically being pried off from his skin, like he's being shattered, incomplete.  
He feels empty and hollow, and that's the reason why they must part. 

Because, they need to learn, to grow, to shape themselves into two, after being too used to being Gon and Killua. They must learn to be individual after growing onto each other like vines, gripping, taking, and giving.

They're two 14 year-olds, two _kids_ , thrown into something bigger than their minds could begin to shape, thrown into actions and decisions they weren't ready to meet.

Of course, they would make mistakes.

Gon just didn't think they would cost him this much.

He breathes, he aches, and he's met with the reality that it's gonna cause him pain. A lot of it.   
His eyes ache then, turn watery in delirium long with a burn that crawls up from his belly into his throat, and numbs everything else, traps him as he can't stop the shaking of his hands.

He's cold, suddenly, so cold, and he lets out a painful sob. He can't help but wonder, what he could change, what he could have done differently.   
He can't help but fear, for the part lost of him, the missing piece in his chest that doesn't allow him to breathe properly, that chokes him up and makes him feel inexplicably and utterly lonely.

He's seen the looks Aunt Mito shoots at him when she thinks he can't see.   
When he lays underneath a tree, the sun gracing his skin, and he thinks of something fun, or amazingly _insane_ , in the way only Gon could come up with, and a smile graces his lips, turns them upwards in glee, so he turns his head but _oh. There's no one there, laying beside him to share the thought with._

No pale hands, soft and careless, laying freely in the most graceful of ways to stare at.   
No blue so rich the ocean, and any giant, glassy and perfectly admirable body of water could compete against to get lost in.  
No deliciously sweet tension in his stomach, building up with laughter and light, and everything good and delightful this life has to offer.

He is just met with the emptiness of green grass beside him, and the beams of sunshine the sun gifts him.

Aunt Mito approaches him, so soft, so carefully, with love and worry overflowing from her eyes, the soft crease in her eyebrows that could turn into a frown so easily, but instead there's a smile so gentle painted on her features Gon's eyes water further, because he can't bring himself to smile, not with the heaviness on his chest weighing him down to the ground.

She hesitates for a second, but nonetheless, she speaks. "You okay, kiddo?" she sits down on the grass in front of him and brings her hand to gently caress Gon's.  
She's looking directly at him, and the sheer amount of care in her eyes is too strong, so he doesn't let himself look at her directly.   
He'll break.

So he hushes, he stays silent, a knot strongly forming in his throat, painfully gripping at his heart, but he deserves it, he deserves this pain, _right?_ He brought it upon himself, so it's okay. He nods, slowly, and shifts his hands against each other, intertwines his fingers - where _Killua's_ should be.- desperate to distract himself.

The sight of Gon so bent. - because he's too strong to break. She knows it. She raised him, this beautiful, blooming product of love and kindness. He's too powerful, too smart, too gentle, to break.- She can only smile sadly, fighting tears of her own, pooling within her eyes. 

"You miss him, don't you?" She begins once more in a careful whisper, and the way Gon's face morphs doesn't let him lie. 

He sobs, deep and raw, and heart-shattering. It makes Mito want to sob herself, and it takes her so much strength she didn't know she possessed not to flinch.  
He brings his hands to his face and shakes, twists.  
The air is pulled out of him- _no._ The _soul._  
 _The soul is being pulled out of him._

Mito knows what it feels like to miss someone like that. Like you feel the world crashes down upon you, like something inside your body is being ripped apart to its very core, like you're being deprived of your own sense of self until you're simply just _lost._

She is not foreign to it, and she wouldn't wish it upon anyone, not ever.

So to see Gon, the loveliest of people, the person she has loved most, with every fiber of her body, with every inch of her heart and soul, hurt and pained like this brings chills down her spine, makes her feel a sorrow so profound she might just _break._

Gon can't speak, can't bring himself to do so. He feels ashamed of himself, for some reason he cannot explain. He feels silly and weak when his voice threatens to crack.

"Sorry." He mutters when his breathing soothes slightly. His face is flushed red. It feels warm, radiating heat, and so are his eyes. They burn. "I'm okay now."

"No no, it's okay." Aunt Mito answers. Her voice is light, it floats, and it makes Gon's chest ache with a throb, and it's the first time in a while his chest is filled with a comforting pressure, not one that suffocates him and makes him feel like he _drowns._ "You don't have to do that. Push me away, I mean."

He's taken aback by that, he thinks. The air is knocked of out him, because he really does push people away, thinking that he'll protect them from himself, from his sadness, and from the deep, melancholic fog that clouds him.  
So seconds pass of silence that lingers, and he dares speak again. He dares change his past mistakes.

"I miss him, Aunt Mito. So much." He confesses as his eyes look downwards.  
It's a whisper, something that feels wrong to say, wrong to feel. It feels wrong, for Gon to hurt this deeply, to feel this shattered, and he feels judged. He judges himself, he realizes.   
But he says it nonetheless and feels lighter right after. Softer, like he floats.

"I know you do. It's only natural. You're best friends." She smiles in that way only she knows how, that way that makes Gon feel like things might not actually be as bad as he feels they are, and he knows she's right.

It hurts now, but it'll get better.   
It still doesn't stop his tears from flowing, but Aunt Mito is here, and she's looking at him so softly he's not afraid to let himself cry anymore. He's not afraid of letting her see him like this, so he gives. He offers her his truth.

"What if I never see him again?" Gon doubts. It exits his mouth before he can even register it, because it's a thought that has been rounding his head, since that day at the World Tree. A thought he's pushed back into the deepest part of his busy mind, where he doesn't have to face it or recognize it as a thought.

It's plagued him endlessly, with fear, and doubt, and once the words leave, they're real, materialized, and Gon can only feel emptied completely and absolutely.

To Gon's surprise though, Mito laughs gently, like she has all the time in the world to do so. 

"Don't be silly Gon. Of course, you'll see each other again. You're bound to." Mito shifts, because she's seen the way those two looked at one another, Gon and Killua, what feels like ages ago, when Gon wasn't higher than her, and his smile glowed with the expectancy only a 12-year-old possesses. 

"You two have gone through far too much, for it to break that easily."   
She sounds so certain, Gon can quiet his mind for a second, and concentrate on her words, and their meaning. 

"You two are united, for as long as time endures. You two are magnets." She pulls her hands together, and apart once again, and the wind chimes softly, proving her point. "You might separate, but you'll always be drawn with force even stronger to each other, back home." She draws her hands back together faster this time and intertwines her fingers.

Mito can only bring herself to lift her gaze, and Gon looks at her united hands with wonder. It makes her melt.

"Thank you, Aunt Mito!" He looks up, and his eyes gleam, with tears and determination.   
He smiles, a beam of light that illuminates the world, with more warmth than the sun could ever aspire to give because it's Gon. Gon, and his kindness, his love, all of it, brimming and bubbling and ready to be given to whoever needs it. Mito wonders, every day, if it's possible for her to love Gon even more, and every day she is proven that it indeed is possible when he smiles at her.

"There is nothing to thank for." She beams back, and many people have asked her if it's a Freecss thing, to smile so brightly and wholeheartedly.   
She can't say it is, but it's definitely something both she and Gon possess, whether she learned it from him, with the years they spent together, laughing under the sun and stars, and discovering every single wonderful and simple thing life has to offer. The ocean and the crashing tides, the green leaves of the plants and trees flourishing with life, and the blue skies with clouds soft and puffy.

Or maybe he learned it from her. The smiles, soft and gentle she directed at him from dawn till dusk. Comforting and soft caresses only a mother can give. The art of unspoken conversations and comforting silences, like rain pouring against a window, that creeps up on you and lulls you to sleep before you can even place that it’s _there._

The soft hushed words of a secret told, or the warm hugs shared in between laughter. She thanks Gon every day she wakes up, for the sweet flickering memories ingrained in her mind. 

"He'll come back to me." Gon murmurs and Mito pretends she doesn't listen, because it seems like something she wasn't meant to hear. It feels raw and private, and _oh so hopeful._ "And I'll come back to him as well."

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading! as always, comments are so deeply appreciated, they make my entire day, my entire week, my entire month!  
>  take lot of care and see you in the next one! :D


End file.
